I never planned on being a single mom.
And while there are plenty of things I could tell you about navigating divorce, parenting, and rebuilding a life, some of the biggest lessons I've learned have surprised me.
Not all of them are pretty. Not all of them are inspirational. But they're real.
1. It's all hard.
I recently had a friend say to me, "I choose my hard over yours," as we discussed the challenges our kids face within our respective divorces.
But here's what I know with absolute certainty: single, married, separated, co-parenting, counter-parenting... it's ALL hard.
I think as moms, we often compare (hopefully without judging) our kids and our lives to what we see and hear around us.
How they're doing academically. Their sports. Their ability to be imaginative, to listen, to move their bodies. Screen time. Kindness. Friendships. And about a million other things.
We compare our parenting, our relationships, our struggles, and sometimes even our happiness.
When the reality is that this parenting thing is difficult for all of us. Just in different ways.
I choose my hard because it's mine. It's the only story where I get to be his mom and live this life with him.
And I wouldn't trade that part for anything.
2. Some days the things I'm grateful for are also the things that piss me off.
I am grateful for my life. Truly.
There are so many things around me filled with love, warmth, and joy.
My son is my absolute greatest source of joy. I love our home. The coziness, the community, the walls filled with photos, and the million little things that make it especially ours.
And yet...
I'm also the one balancing the bills, cooking the meals, grocery shopping, managing the routines, running my business, driving to all the things, buying the gifts, creating the magic, remembering the appointments, and making sure nothing falls through the cracks.
Sometimes the very things that light up my heart also piss me off because I don't have a partner to share them with.
I love being the one who creates the magic. Sometimes I just wish someone else would remember to buy the damn batteries.
And I've learned something important:
Gratitude and resentment can exist in the same space.
I can love my life and still wish parts of it were easier.
I can be grateful for everything I have and still be exhausted by everything it takes to maintain it.
We can feel two things at once. Neither feeling makes the other less true.
3. No one has the "happily ever after."
I don't mean that no one is happily married, happily single, or somewhere in between.
I'm lucky enough to know and love many people who are genuinely happy in their lives.
But there isn't one of us who makes it through life without experiencing grief, stress, anger, trauma, heartache, loneliness, or disappointment.
On a morning when I'm slowly sipping my coffee alone in the quiet of my home, a married friend might be irritated by the sound of her spouse simply existing in the same room.
And on another day, when I'm holding back tears because I wish I could put some of the weight I'm carrying onto someone else's shoulders, that same friend might be curled up next to her person, feeling completely loved and supported.
Neither of us has the perfect life.
Neither of us has escaped the hard parts.
I've learned that happily ever after isn't some permanent destination where nothing hurts anymore.
It's moments.
It's the laughter in the middle of chaos. It's finding peace when things aren't going according to plan. It's recognizing that a beautiful life doesn't have to be a perfect one.
Life is messy. And to feel it all is to be alive.
4. Kids are magic.
Not because they're always sweet, well-behaved, or easy to parent.
Trust me, they're not.
But because they have this incredible ability to remind us what matters.
They can spend twenty minutes laughing at something that makes absolutely no sense to us. They can turn an ordinary Tuesday into an adventure. They can ask a question that stops us in our tracks or offer a hug at exactly the moment we didn't realize we needed one.
And I've learned that their magic goes so much deeper than that.
I've watched my son navigate things I wouldn't wish on any child. And while I would give anything to make certain parts of life easier for him, I've also been amazed by what kids are capable of when they're given the tools and space to navigate difficult things.
As a therapist, I've spent years helping adults learn skills that children are often capable of developing much earlier than we realize.
Understanding their emotions. Finding their voice. Learning to trust themselves. Recognizing that two feelings can exist at once. Knowing that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.
As a therapist, I understand the importance of these skills. As a mom, watching a child discover their own strength, voice, and sense of self is something else entirely.
When we give kids the tools, support, and space to navigate hard things, their superpowers are endless.
That doesn't mean we should expect them to be resilient all the time. Or celebrate the difficult things they've had to endure.
It means recognizing just how capable they are when they don't have to face those things alone.
And here's something else I've learned: I don't want his childhood to be defined by the hard things. And I don't want my motherhood to be defined by them either.
I want us to remember the laughter, the adventures, the ridiculous conversations, the traditions, and all the living we did along the way.
Because kids really are magic. And sometimes we're so busy worrying about how they're going to turn out that we forget to appreciate who they already are.
5. Dating is weird.
Seriously. What the hell?
I spent years building a life with someone. And now I'm supposed to figure out dating apps, texting etiquette, flirting, first dates, and whether someone actually likes me or is just being polite?
At this age? With a mortgage, a business, a kid, and a calendar that looks like a competitive sport?
It's weird.
But it's also reminded me that I'm more than a mom.
I'm a woman who likes to laugh, flirt, feel attractive, have interesting conversations, and be excited about someone.
And there can be something both terrifying and wonderful about getting to know yourself outside of the roles you've spent years filling.
I've learned that dating doesn't have to mean desperately searching for someone to complete my life.
My life is already full.
It means being open to the possibility of sharing it with someone.
Someone who adds to the joy, not just the responsibilities.
And in the meantime? I can laugh at the awkwardness, enjoy the experiences, and remember that I don't need to have it all figured out.
The biggest lesson? We're all so much more than one chapter.
I'm a single mom.
But I'm also a therapist, a business owner, a daughter, a friend, a woman who loves to laugh, someone who sometimes has her shit together, and someone who sometimes absolutely does not.
I'm the mom creating the magic and the mom irritated that I'm the only one creating it.
I'm the woman who loves her independence and the woman who sometimes wishes someone would just take something off her plate without being asked.
I'm confident and insecure. Grateful and frustrated. Strong and exhausted. Happy and sad.
Sometimes all before lunch.
And I've learned that none of those things cancel each other out.
We are not defined by one role, one relationship, one experience, or one chapter of our lives.
We're the sum of so many parts. The beautiful ones, the messy ones, the parts we're proud of, and the parts we're still figuring out.
And maybe that's what I hope other moms take away from this.
You don't have to fit into one version of motherhood. You don't have to turn every difficult experience into a lesson or find the silver lining in every shitty situation.
You get to be all of it.
Because you're not just a mom. You're a whole person who happens to be a mom.
And every part of you deserves space, too.
Written by Kris Hernandez, LCSW, LPHA — single mom, therapist, and founder of Olive Branch Mental Health in Arlington Heights, Illinois. Kris supports moms navigating anxiety, trauma, burnout, relationships, and the beautifully messy reality of motherhood. Learn more at www.olivebranchmentalhealth.com.
